Why we keep having the same arguments (and how to break the cycle)

Have you ever walked away from an argument thinking: “Why did I react like that?” or “Why do we keep having the same fight over and over again?”

Conflict doesn’t come out of nowhere. It usually develops through a series of emotional and mental reactions that feed into each other.Understanding this process can help us stop repeating the same patterns and start responding in healthier ways.

This article explains two useful models that help make sense of conflict:

1. The individual loop (what happens inside one person)

2. The interpersonal loop (what happens between two people)

and how you can use them in everyday life.

1. The Individual Loop: what happens inside us

When something upsetting happens, we don’t immediately “choose” our reaction. We go through a chain of reactions, often without noticing:

• Situation / Context

• Emotions

• Thoughts

• Motivations (what we want or need)

• Behaviour

• Consequences

Those consequences then influence what happens next — which creates a loop.

Real-life example

1. Situation: A colleague asks the same question for the fourth time.

2. Emotion: You feel angry and stressed.

3. Thought: “He’s not even trying.”

4. Motivation: “I just want him to leave me alone.”

5. Behaviour: You answer with a harsh tone.

6. Consequence: He gets hurt and avoids you later.

Later that day, you notice he won’t talk to you, which becomes the new situation and triggers new emotions, thoughts, and behaviours.

This is how arguments and resentments build over time, often accidentally.

Why this matters

When we look at conflict in this way, we can see that behaviour is not random or malicious.It often comes from emotions we didn’t name, thoughts we didn’t question, and needs we didn’t express.

That awareness gives us more control.

2. How to use this in daily life

Next time you’re upset by something someone did, ask yourself:

• What emotion did I feel first?

• What story did I tell myself about it?

• What did I want at that moment?

• How did I act on that?

• What happened as a result?

You don’t have to change all of it at once. Sometimes just naming the first emotion already softens your reaction.

3. When you struggle to name emotions

A lot of people can only name basic emotions like:

• Anger

• Fear

• Joy

• Sadness

• Disgust

• Surprise

This makes it hard to express what they truly feel.

Someone may say : “I was just angry.”

But when we use a list of emotions divided into categories, they can realise that they actually felt:

• frustration

• impatience

• anxiety

• resentment

Being able to identify these emotions helps:

• make sense of our reactions

• understand why we felt so tense

• communicate our experience more clearly

And as a result, the conflict made more sense and felt less overwhelming.

4. The Interpersonal Loop: what happens between two people

Conflict doesn’t just happen inside one person.

It happens between people, and reactions bounce back and forth like a ping-pong ball.

Here’s how the interaction loop works:

Person 1: Feels something → thinks something → reacts

That reaction becomes the trigger for:

Person 2: Feels something → thinks something → reacts

Which becomes a new trigger for Person 1, and so on.

Example

1. Person 1 talks harshly.

2. Person 2 feels hurt and withdraws.

3. Person 1 feels guilty or angry that they're being ignored.

4. Person 2 feels even more disconnected.

Neither person planned this.

They were both reacting to internal emotions and thoughts the other couldn’t see.

Why this matters

When we only look at the behaviour:

• harsh tone

• walking away

it’s easy to label each other as:

• rude

• childish

• cold

• insensitive

But behind those behaviours are unseen processes:

• stress

• fear

• insecurity

• shame

• frustration

• need for comfort

Conflict often continues not because people are bad, but because no one stops and says what is really happening inside.

5. How to break the cycle

Breaking the cycle doesn’t require a big speech or perfect communication skills.

It starts with:

• Noticing what you feel

• Naming it clearly

• Asking yourself what you need

• Expressing it gently instead of reacting automatically

For example, instead of:

“Why do you always do that!!!”

Try:

“I’m feeling really overwhelmed and I need a minute to calm down.”

Or instead of withdrawing silently:

“I’m hurt and I don’t know how to talk about it yet, but I don’t want us to fight.”

Small shifts can change the entire dynamic.

6. Why these tools help

Understanding these loops helps you:

• Stop acting on autopilot

• Recognize emotional triggers

• Communicate needs instead of blaming

• Feel more compassion toward yourself and others

• Reduce shame and defensiveness

• Make conflict less chaotic and more constructive

  
  

You don’t need to be perfect to break the cycle. You just need to become a little more aware each time.